What Happened To My Wife? (AKA The Attila the Hun Stage)

Who is that Crazed Woman and What Did You Do with My Previously Wonderful Wife? (AKA The Attila the Hun Stage)

Accoutrements…check. Scheduled breaks… check. Giant nighttime boo boo pad… check. It’s all good. Well not good, but under control.

“ I’m good, but why is it that everyone else is so annoying?”

“What is the matter with those people? They are SO getting on my nerves! I do believe I am going to rip that person’s face right off. Just how stupid are people these days? If that person doesn’t shut up I am going to leap over the table and strangle them. Whoa, I can feel the anger rushing up my body and through my face. I think my head may blow off. Geeze, do you think the rest of the people in this room can see the redness as it progresses up my face? Is somebody going to say something to me about it? Why won’t that stupid person shut up? I don’t know if I can talk without yelling.” Okay, okay, let’s try it. Take a deep breath, modulate your tone of voice. Hold on to the rage. You can so do this.

Well maybe you can, maybe you can’t.

And so it goes throughout the day. Life never used to be this exhausting. People never used to be this annoying. And when you get home the stupidity doesn’t stop. The buttons that your children used to be able to push without getting a rise out of you are now on/off switches. One sentence and the switch flips to scream phase. Tasks you routinely did for years around the house become major burdens. “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY you can’t pick up your shoes, put away your dirty dishes, feed the pets, empty the litter box, do the laundry, hang up your clothes…”(You fill in the blank)

You are turning into Attila the Hun; out for the kill. You don’t even recognize yourself.

Your family becomes very confused and spends inordinate amounts of time looking for their real mommy / wife. Where did she go? Who is this crazed lunatic that seems to be occupying her body? Everyone feels like they are treading on eggshells, including you. “What is happening?”

And then come the palpitations. “What the heck! Am I having a heart attack? I’m not old enough to have a heart attack. Oh brother, I think I’m going to pass out. When did Thumper the bunny rabbit take up residence in my chest? And why does it get worse when I roll over onto my left side at night? Man, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. Lub dub, lub dub, lublublublublubdub. PAUSE.. Why is it so irregular? Am I dead yet?”

Off you go to the cardiologist, convinced your demise is imminent. He, of course it’s a HE, never suspects it has anything to do with your “hormones on the run” and says you have palpitations. He may or may not prescribe medication. You now add yearly cardiologist visits to your calendar. Pretty soon your address book will list more specialist’s phone numbers than friends. Disclaimer: It is always better to be embarrassed and healthy, than keep symptoms to yourself and accidentally die from a real illness. So do go see the cardiologist if you develop Thumper.

Somewhere in all of this you will also find yourself waking up at 2am EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. You will be awake from 2 to 4ish and fall back into a sound sleep just in time to hear your alarm go off. It won’t matter how tired you are, how hard you worked the day before, or what time you went to bed; you will wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 2am. DO NOT try to fall back to sleep. DO NOT count sheep unless you want to practice high numbered math. Go ahead and get up and read a book. Or, if you have girlfriends your age, go ahead and text them. THEY WILL BE AWAKE. ALL women in this age group are awake during those hours. Ours is not to question why, but to accept it as fact. It is a sisterhood.

Due to the resultant sleep deprivation, your crabbiness will only increase. Not to mention you will look like “Patootie-cakes”. (You can fill in your own derogatory self description) Looking tired and run down will just cause you to feel OLD and DEPRESSED.

You may feel you have fallen in a dark, black hole. (“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get out!”)You will think you are NUTS. “What is wrong with me? I have a great husband, great kids, and a great life. Why am I so depressed?” You will cry at the drop of a hat. That will make you even more angry and frustrated with yourself. “WHAT the heck is WRONG WITH ME?”

But wait, there’s more! “MORE? Are you kidding?”